


forever going with the flow, but you're friction

by snnycarisi



Category: Secret History - Donna Tartt
Genre: (not really but. just accept it), Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Judy's POV, Post-Canon, alternate universe where Charles leaves but Camilla stays in school to get her degree
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:34:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26645341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: It was as if, for the first time, she was seeing the girl as three dimensional. As human. Before she’d only seen a statue, sculpted perfect, pretty, and ready to be displayed to the world. Now she could see the girl the statue was cast from. Marble turned to flesh and blood and skin. For a moment, Judy almost thought she could be described as ethereal, like a goddess stepping down to Earth. But that wasn’t right. She just looked like a girl.
Relationships: Camilla Macaulay/Judy Poovey
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	forever going with the flow, but you're friction

**Author's Note:**

> hello judymilla nation this is my gift to you :-) tbh it is not my best work so i'm sorry about that but i hope you enjoy

On Saturday evening, Judy sat cross-legged on her bed with a textbook she wasn’t really reading open in her lap, her door open and her eyes fixed on the closed door down the hall. Richard’s door. Only half an hour ago he’d disappeared inside, the girl twin— Camile? Camilla? She could never remember— on his arm. Sighing in irritation, Judy closed the textbook and rubbed her temples. 

As the Classics students started dying or just fucking off from school leaving only two, Richard and Camilla, they’d been practically inseparable. Judy was sick of it. She was sick of mooning over the same stupid boy who never gave her the time of day she damn well deserved, and who payed even less attention to her now that he spent all of his time with  _ her _ . And they were always so  _ close _ , heads bent together whispering to each other in the library or walking across campus together basically glued to each other’s side. It made Judy’s stomach twist each time she saw them, something she would attribute to jealousy if she allowed herself to admit it, but she was simply too proud. Instead, she told herself it was really just how awful and stuck-up that girl was, and let her hatred for Camilla fester. It was the way she held herself, like she knew she was somehow better than everyone she passed, her chin angled up to the heavens in superiority and distaste. Fucking rich people. 

Deciding she had nothing better to do than meddle, Judy dragged herself out of her room and slunk down the hall, knocking on Richard’s door. 

The door cracked open a moment later, only one half of Richard’s face visible as he cautiously looked out into the hall. Seeing Judy’s face staring expectantly back at him, Richard’s expression shifted more towards annoyance. Judy didn’t mind. 

“Hey. You busy?” she asked, knowing full well what his response would be.

He sighed. “Yeah, a little.”

“Listen, I just ran out of smokes and my roommates’ not home so I can’t steal a pack from her—” 

“Yeah, I’ve got a spare pack around here somewhere,” he said, cutting her off and disappearing back into the room to find one. Judy pushed the door open and stepped into the room. 

Compared to her own, Richard’s room looked barely lived in, and it never failed to shock her. The walls were bare and surfaces held, if anything, only books and loose pieces of paper. No photographs or posters or odd trinkets he’d collected over the years, just him and his books. And now, of course, Camilla. There she was, perched in the desk chair like it was some kind of throne, facing away from the door but still with her face pinched as if a bad smell had entered the room.

“Oh, hey,” Judy said to the other girl, a pleasant smile she hoped didn’t look too fake spreading across her lips, “I didn’t know you had company…”

“Yeah.” Richard replied simply. Camilla smiled weakly in her direction as if it physically pained her to do so. Instead of rolling her eyes or flipping her the bird in response, Judy waltzed over to where she sat and sat herself down on top of the desk, brushing away the few papers cluttered across it. They were close enough now that if she wanted to, Judy could kick her leg out and nudge her thigh. But she didn’t. She was beginning to have fun. 

Richard handed her the cigarettes, expecting her to take them and leave, but Judy just smiled gratefully and lit one up. He was visibly exasperated, but Camilla showed no sign of any expression but cold apathy. That was probably what was most infuriating about her, Judy thought to herself. That façade she was so good at putting up as soon as she spotted Judy (or anyone outside of her circle of Classics freaks for that matter), and now no one but Richard was granted the privilege of seeing the girl behind the mask. Judy didn’t understand it. 

She remembered back to the night of that party, the one she would barely have remembered if it weren’t for the incident. It was all a little blurry, but even now she could see the raw fury in Camilla’s eyes as stale beer saturated her hair and dripped down her front. Her slight frame trembling with anger as she stood to the side watching her brother and the other geeky guy wail on Spike Romney, like they were her personal bodyguards. Even the way she left the party— stalking away, her hands curled into fists— screamed a lack of her usual composure. 

She wasn’t icy or closed-off, she was livid. And she was beautiful. 

So for reasons she hadn’t fully processed, Judy decided she would do everything she could to make Camilla drop her mask again. 

Realising Judy was in it for the long run and definitely not going anywhere anytime soon, Richard awkwardly began collecting a pile of clothing from one corner of the room. 

“Well. It's laundry night. So I better go off and do my laundry.” he raised his eyebrows slightly at Camilla before leaving, who just glared at him in return. 

With the room now empty apart from the two of them, Judy became aware of just how close they were sitting. Before Camilla had the chance to find an excuse to leave also, Judy began bombarding her with questions. 

For every question she asked— what are you taking now? What’s your major? What  _ did  _ happen to your old teacher?— the girl responded in monosyllables, completely uninterested. Judy noticed, then, just how tired she looked. Her eyes were lined far more drastically than should be expected for a twenty year old girl, and dark bags sagged underneath. Judy supposed she couldn’t really blame her, what with everything that had happened in the past few months. Two of your friends dying and the brother who seemed actually stitched to your side disappearing probably did that to a person. 

No matter how much she tried, this mischief wasn’t in her nature, and now Judy just felt bad for the girl who looked simultaneously ten years older and ten years younger than she really was. In that moment, she decided she would like to spend more time with this girl. She wasn’t really sure why; she told herself that, if she was with her, she wouldn’t be spending time with Richard and then maybe Judy would have more of a chance with him— but she suspected this wasn’t the real reason. The real reason was probably more like fascination. Looking at Camilla now, her expression pleasant and painfully blank, Judy could almost see the real person underneath. There was something wild, almost animalistic back there, and it reminded her a little of the girl in that old book she’d read in English senior year of high school, that one Kate Bush wrote a song about. Whatever it was, Judy felt her hatred dissipate and be replaced with a strong desire to see more. 

“Oh hey, are you free tomorrow?” she asked before she could think better of it, “I’m in a really tight spot with one of my classes and I need someone to model a dress for me, it’s too small on my roommate but you look like it’d fit you.”

She expected to be outright rejected, but for some reason, Camilla just sighed and replied, “as long as it doesn’t take too long.” 

With that, she stood up and left the room, her hand brushing against Judy’s knee (probably by accident) as she did so. Judy was left alone in the room that was not hers with only one thought:  _ shit, now I need to make her a dress.  _

  
  


***

  
  


It was already getting late by the time Judy got into the studio that night, which was thankfully empty. She was dreading having to explain to someone else what exactly she was doing. Luckily, one of her assignments over the last semester was to design a ballgown for the theatre students in their production of… something. She couldn’t remember what, but it didn’t really matter, anyway. What mattered was that, in the back of the studio somewhere, was her starting point. She quickly located it and pulled it out of it’s garment bag, admiring her handiwork for a moment before laying it down on a table. 

She had to admit, it was pretty magnificent, and it would hurt her a little to take it apart. But the huge skirt billowing from the shimmery corset bodice was too much for Camilla to wear. Judy scanned the studio and spotted some fabric she could use for a more modest skirt, one that would be more like the sundresses she’d seen the girl in from time to time. 

Setting her equipment up, Judy got to work. 

  
  


***

  
  


It was after midday when she woke up. After being in the studio until nearly three in the morning, she must have just crashed and slept through the alarm she set. Judy flew out of bed, quickly showered and changed, and came back to her dorm room to wait for Camilla. She felt strangely like she was waiting for a guy to come and pick her up for a date, but shoved this thought aside as she slapped on some makeup. She thought briefly about doing a line of coke, just to perk herself up a bit, but thought better of it. When she finally heard that knock on the door, she leapt up from her desk-turned-vanity to answer it. 

Dressed in a cream coloured sweater and tweed trousers, Camilla stood sheepishly on her doorstep, as if she didn’t belong there and just standing outside of Judy’s door made her uncomfortable. Well, she supposed the photos of car crashes and naked barbie hung from the doorknob were possibly a little intimidating, so instead of going inside together, Judy led her away towards the studio. Camilla seemed grateful for this. 

When they arrived, Judy cut straight to the chase and brought the dress out of the garment bag she’d put it in the night before. She had to admit, she was pretty proud of her work. Camilla only hummed in response— Judy couldn’t tell whether it was in approval or displeasure, but the girl hadn’t made moves to leave the studio so she supposed it didn’t really matter.

Judy turned away to give her some privacy while she changed, and avoided looking around at the various mirrors spread throughout the room. 

When she signaled to Judy that she was decent, Judy turned back around and had to fight to remain composed. 

The tight fabric of the bodice clung to her torso in a way that left little to the imagination but was still elegant, tasteful. From there, the skirt flowed out around her hips and stopped just above her knee, light enough that it was easy to move in. It would have looked childish almost, if not for the way it hugged her breasts. Judy grinned, while Camilla scowled back at her and self-consciously folded her arms over her chest. 

“Who was this made for? Marie Antionette?”

Judy chuckled. “Shut up. It’s elegant.” then, after briefly pausing added, “you look really nice in it.”

And she really did. Her blonde bob— which was a pale colour under the fluorescents of the dormitories— glowed golden in the sunlight that streamed in through the high windows of the studio, and illuminated the gold strands in the fabric of the skirt. The pink bodice made the colour blooming high on her cheeks stand out, and her cool, steel eyes all the more piercing. 

It was as if, for the first time, she was seeing the girl as three dimensional. As human. Before she’d only seen a statue, sculpted perfect, pretty, and ready to be displayed to the world. Now she could see the girl the statue was cast from. Marble turned to flesh and blood and skin. For a moment, Judy almost thought she could be described as ethereal, like a goddess stepping down to Earth. But that wasn’t right. She just looked like a girl. 

Judy led her towards one of the full length mirrors and placed her in front of it, looking over the dress to see if there were any alterations she needed to make. Leaning over Camilla’s shoulder she saw her own reflection staring back at her; dressed in a children’s Scooby Doo t-shirt she’d cropped to expose her midriff, a bright blue windbreaker, and bluejeans she’d scribbled all over in white fabric marker one time while drunk, the contrast between the two of them was blindingly apparent. Her eyes met Camilla’s in the mirror, but just as quickly as they met, Camilla turned her gaze elsewhere. 

“I’m not sleeping with Richard, if that’s what you’re trying to find out.” she said suddenly. 

Judy froze for a moment, processing it and remembering that yes, that was what she was trying to find out, wasn’t it? 

“Oh, um. I wasn’t,” she lied, figuring it was probably the right thing to say, “but okay. Good to know I guess.” the words were out of her mouth before she had time to think better of it, and she cringed internally. 

Camilla didn’t reply, just continued to stand awkwardly in front of the mirror as Judy fiddled with the hem of the dress. 

Uncomfortable in Camilla’s apathetic silence, Judy added, “I’m not either.”

Surprisingly, Camilla snorted. Actually  _ snorted _ . “I know that.”

Wondering what that was supposed to mean, Judy ducked her head so that the other girl couldn’t see the blush rising on her cheeks. 

She continued inspecting the dress, her heart jumping into her throat as her hands brushed over the curve of Camilla’s hip. She risked a glance upwards at the girl’s face. Though Camilla was obviously trying to appear unbothered, there was something about her stiff posture and the way her eyes darted across the room, not stopping to look at any particular thing, that told Judy she was definitely feeling rather uncomfortable. Whether this was self-consciousness, simply not liking being observed in such close detail, or if it were specifically Judy making her feel this way, Judy couldn’t tell. 

To ease the tension, Judy walked over to the stereo and turned it on to whatever radio station had last been playing. An upbeat pop-song she vaguely recognised rang out through the room, jarring in the previous silence. 

After a few more moments, she decided everything was good and stepped back to again take in the full sight of Camilla. She looked completely and undeniably gorgeous. 

“Okay, all done,” Judy said, choking back whatever praise she had for the girl, fearing it would only make her close herself off more, “give us a twirl.”

Camilla rolled her eyes (though there was no denying the ghost of a smile hiding behind her lips) and gave a quick twirl, ending in a far-too-sarcastic courtesy. Judy grinned. 

“So what’s this all for, exactly?” Camilla asked casually, looking over herself in the mirror Judy directed her to. She seemed not  _ happy  _ with her appearance, but not upset either. The mask of apathy was once again fixed firmly to her expression. 

“Uh,” Judy stuttered, not having thought this far ahead, “just like. Dresses and stuff. We needed to make sure it fit a human model so…” it was a crap answer, she knew this, just hoped the other girl wouldn’t call her out for it. Thankfully she didn’t, instead her cheeks glowed a deeper pink than before and she worked even harder to avoid Judy’s eyes, as if she were embarrassed. Judy, her own face hot, wondered why that would be.

“Okay, well, are we done?” 

Judy blinked. The time had gone far too quickly and she hadn’t gotten nearly enough of Camilla’s presence. Still, not knowing how else to elongate their time together, she replied, “yeah. All done.”

She turned once more so Camilla could change out of the dress. Wanting to get as much as she could out of these last few minutes, Judy did what she did best— started talking. She burst into a monologue about her awful roommate (which was mostly untrue— she had a boyfriend who lived off campus so she was rarely around, and when she was Judy liked her well enough) just to fill the silence in the room she had left alone for far too long. Camilla responded only with hums to indicate she was listening, but that was better than being completely ignored. 

When she’d changed, Camilla placed the dress back inside it’s garment bag and smiled almost kindly at Judy. 

“So what are you up to tonight?” Judy asked, hopeful that that smile might mean this wouldn’t be the last she saw of the girl. 

“It’s Sunday night, so dinner. With Richard.” she said it so matter-of-factly that, even though Judy had been unaware of their weekly tradition, she still felt a little stupid for not knowing. 

“Right. Of course. That’s cool.”

And with that, Camilla wandered out of the studio and away from Judy. 

  
  


***

Later that night, Judy was lying on her stomach in bed, a joint in one hand and a pencil in the other as she sketched some designs for one of her classes, when a knock at her door disturbed her unusual peace. She ashed the joint and dragged herself out of bed, slightly annoyed, thinking it was probably her roommate being locked out, or maybe someone from down the hall looking to score some last-minute coke before going to some party somewhere. Instead, she found a slightly intoxicated Camilla standing at her door, a very confused Richard behind her in the hall.

When it became clear the girl was not about to offer up a reason for her presence, Judy opened the door wider and ushered her inside, waving to Richard but closing the door before he could take it as an invitation to join them. For some reason she didn’t feel like having him around just then.

“You okay?” Judy asked cautiously, turning to see that Camilla had made her way to her roommates bed and had sat down, curling her feet up underneath her.

For a moment, Judy thought she wouldn’t respond, but, so softly she almost didn’t hear it, Camilla asked, “why did you want me to help you today?” her gaze fixed firmly to Judy’s, grey, colourless eyes burning bright and terribly intimidating. 

Judy rubbed the back of her neck and plopped back down on her bed. “I told you, it was for a project.” Camilla continued to stare, and Judy felt her cheeks warming, as if Camilla was the Californian sun she so desperately missed, and she was without sunblock, burning. She quickly realised she wouldn’t get away with the lie anymore, and decided to answer truthfully. 

“Well... maybe I was just wrong and you’re not as much of a stuck-up bitch as I thought. Maybe I think you’re kind of alright.” she paused, then added, “When you’re not surrounded by asshole rich boys, that is.” She'd only said this as a joke, to make the confession less mortifying for her and hopefully get a smile out of Camilla, but it was obviously the wrong thing to say, as instead of smiling, the girl only looked solemnly down at her hands. Though Judy had wished for her to look away just moments before, she hated the idea of upsetting her. 

“I mean, I don’t know. You’re kind of… cool. I guess.”

“Oh.” Camilla said in a tone Judy couldn’t quite read, still looking down at her hands.

“Yeah.” she replied, awkwardly. 

A few moments passed and the tension in the room did not dissipate. Judy could barely stand it, just sitting there letting herself be swallowed up by it, so she lit up a cigarette, just for something to do with her hands. She took a long drag then stood up and moved to sit next to Camilla on her roommates bed. As she sat down she offered the cigarette to Camilla, who again smiled that shy, thankful and almost kind smile as she took it in her neatly (but plainly, free of any kind of nail-polish except maybe a clear coat) manicured hands. That smile made Judy’s stomach flip, and, almost subconsciously, she shifted closer until their knees were touching. 

She wondered, then, what it would be like to feel those lips against her own. Whether her skin would be soft or dewy with sweat. What her breath would taste like, what her hair would smell like. 

Her quickly spiralling thoughts were then interrupted. 

“I like this record,” Camilla said absent-mindedly, making Judy aware of the music she’d forgotten was playing, but had been on before the other girl arrived. “I used to have it. I don’t know what happened to it.”

“You like Kate Bush?” she asked, a little bemused, “I would have thought you’d only listen to, like, Mozart. Or Debussy.” she tried her hardest not to snigger at the name, like a middle-schooler. 

Camilla rolled her eyes. “Well I’m not a freakish Classics major anymore, just a regular lit major so I suppose I’ll have to settle for liking normal music.” 

It was strange how little effort she was making to keep up her usual untouchable and unaffected attitude, because as she said this she really did look sad. Perhaps it was because she was tipsy, but perhaps she actually wanted Judy to see the girl underneath the attitude. The latter thought was rather thrilling. Still, she felt bad, and didn’t want Camilla thinking she had said that to offend her. 

“I’m sorry all that shit happened. It must be awful.” she said, feeling stupid for not finding better words. Camilla just shrugged. She didn’t know what else to say, but wanted Camilla to start talking again, so she added, “And just for the record, I don’t think you’re a freak or anything.”

“How kind.”

Judy blushed, annoyed. “I mean it,” then, “I  _ do  _ like you.”

“That’s sweet.” she said, still sarcastic, but more playfully this time. “You know, you’re nowhere near as… shrill… as Richard made you seem.”

“He called me  _ what _ ?” 

Camilla began to smile, a cheeky, playful grin spreading across her cheeks. Judy found she would happily sit there for days on end if she had to, just to learn all of Camilla’s different smiles, each one more glorious than the last. 

“Shrill. Squawky.” 

“That asshole!” Judy said, her voice laced with indignation but honestly, she was having too much fun with the other girl to really care what he said or thought. It surprised her how little it mattered to her. 

Camilla was quiet for a moment, then added, “he is a bit of an asshole, isn’t he?”

She couldn’t hold it in anymore, and so Judy burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of this whole situation. To her delight, Camilla began to giggle softly as well. Judy just felt so light— she was a little high, but more than that, Camilla’s presence was so intoxicating, she felt herself drift even closer towards her, until she was close enough to see the pores on Camilla’s nose. And then, she didn’t even care that her fascination with the girl was more than a little strange, didn’t care that it really wasn’t normal to want to be around her as desperately as she did. Didn’t care that she probably shouldn’t want to kiss her, because she did want to. She really wanted to. 

Slowly, slow enough that Camilla could easily draw back before things would get awkward if she wanted to, Judy leaned in closer and closer until her lips lightly brushed over Camilla’s. Camilla gasped softly, which Judy took as an indication to close the gap between them. 

Camilla didn’t kiss her back, but didn’t pull away, just frozen in place as if she were still considering what it was she wanted. Judy nearly drew back, but before she could, Camilla’s hand hesitantly came up to grasp the back of her neck. The kiss was light, yet so intimate, so gentle that Judy felt her head spin. 

They pulled apart and Judy got a good look at the other girl. Her cheeks were bright red and her lips drew themselves into an almost frown, and Judy began to panic, thinking she’d done something wrong. 

“Why do you like me?” Camilla asked, her gaze fixed downwards, her voice very, very small.

“I don’t know.” Judy responded, because she really didn’t. How could she tell her she thought she was wild and passionate but very good at hiding it under her composure and intelligence and she was this walking contradiction that was endlessly fascinating but, more than fascinating, she was just good company, and Judy could not for the life of her understand why she wanted nothing more than to be near her but she just  _ did _ ? 

Camilla huffed and made a point of glaring down at her feet as she was still avoiding eye-contact. “Are you a lesbian?” she asked, a little more harshly.

Before meeting her Judy would have said no, but now she wasn’t so sure. “I don’t know.” she said again, wishing she were as smart as the other girl, as then she might have been able to find something better to say. 

Wanting to make Camilla feel as scrutinised as she, Judy asked, “are  _ you _ ?”

“No.” she replied simply. She was quiet for a moment, still staring at the floor, then said, “I don’t know.”

Judy went back to smoking quietly, if a little tensely, while Camilla fidgeted next to her.

“You don’t know me.” she said, a little desperately, like she was telling Judy something and was trying her hardest to make her understand. Judy just wished she’d be a little more direct. 

“Okay.” Judy replied, because, well, she was right. She  _ didn’t  _ know her, not really. 

Camilla huffed again and this time looked up, the intensity of her gaze somewhat like a forest fire that had quickly burnt out of control. There was no composure left in her disposition.

“Judy. you  _ really  _ don’t know me.”

“Yeah. I got that. And it’s okay.”

“No. it’s not,” she said, her voice thick with frustration, “because if you did, I don’t think you’d want to kiss me.”

“Well,” Judy started, “you don’t know me either. So you can’t actually know that.”

Camilla’s expression was pained but she had clearly given up fighting. Judy squirmed under her gaze, and decided maybe it was best for her to go back to what she was doing before the other girl joined her, signalling it was time for her to be left alone; it wasn’t that she was sick of Camilla’s presence, but the tension between them was so heavy, it weighed down on her shoulders and, frankly, exhausted her. She sat back down on her own bed, legs crossed, and went back to her sketch. 

While Judy drew (sneaking more and more frequent glances up from the page), Camilla began to take in her surroundings. She observed the posters on the walls and the trinkets on top of the dresser with neither judgement nor appreciation. Making her way over to the miniature bookshelf Judy used as a nightstand, she rifled through the few books (and many magazines) stored inside, occasionally stopping to read a few pages of whatever took her fancy. 

After a while, when their silence turned from excruciating to almost comfortable, Camilla smoothed out the wrinkles in her trousers and gracefully sat down on Judy’s bed, close enough that Judy’s knee pressed into her thigh. Judy, stupidly, felt her own heart begin to race. 

Judy put down the pencil and sighed, exasperated. If Camilla would just say something, just tell her why this all had to be such a huge deal, then maybe it would be less frustrating. After all, Judy could probably get anyone she wanted, boy or girl— except maybe Richard, but she wasn’t particularly keen on him anymore after hearing what he’d said about her in absence— so why should she bother with this flippant, indecisive princess? But despite that, she wanted her there. She really did. So when Camilla began leaning towards her once more, she couldn’t help but meet her lips. 

This time, Judy focused fully on the taste and feel of Camilla’s mouth against hers, fearing it would be the last time she had the privilege to. She tasted like gin and ash, but there was something underneath that too, something sweet, like honey maybe. The soft pieces of hair framing her face tickled Judy’s cheeks, and she gasped as Camilla’s fingers brushed against her jaw. It wasn’t as light or as soft as the last kiss, but just as gentle. Judy shifted and angled herself better, now wrapping an arm around Camilla’s waist. 

Camilla pulled away, but stayed close enough that their foreheads were almost touching. 

“I have to go.” she murmured. Judy’s stomach dropped. Seemingly sensing her disappointment, Camilla added, “not like that, I just have class early tomorrow morning. I need to go home and sleep.”

“But you’re free in the afternoon?” she inquired, a little breathlessly.

Camilla smiled, almost fondly and nodded. 

With that, she stood up and once again smoothed out both her trousers and her blouse, then turned on her heels and walked out the door. 

Watching her leave Judy let it all wash over her, and couldn’t contain the wolfish grin that spread across her cheeks. She was going to enjoy learning everything there was to know about Camilla Macaulay. 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated!! 
> 
> come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/oliversmarks) about this ship or just tsh in general


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